i think my tv is drunk
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
