It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
