Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
