somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
