i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
