i wish starbucks made bloody marys
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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