When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The adults are the big ones right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
