I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
