I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Text me some of your sweat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
