So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize