Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
