i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
