So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
