This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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