Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize