I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
