On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
