Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She bit a glass in half.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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