you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
