I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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