My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize