new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My vagina just recognized that song.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
