Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
