Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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