Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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