We named our party play list daddy issues
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
