Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
