why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
