Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
