Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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