i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
