I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
