How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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