so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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