Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize