Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize