I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
