i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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