I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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