I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
