I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
