dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
