Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
vagina is talking i cant
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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