He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
