The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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