Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
