There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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