I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
