why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
