dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
