'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
