i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
