I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
