1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
