She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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