if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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