I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
