Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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