I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
