There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
