You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
