Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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