I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
